melanie griffith asked me to come with her to an appointment because she needed support. when we arrived, i saw that we were at the office of her cosmetic surgeons. i said. 'i thought you promised antonio you wouldn't have any more procedures? 'don't tell antonio!' she begged. 'these are my friends, i'll have them do anything you want for free if you keep my secret! ' at 1st i thought it was just pure crazy, but then i realized that she was so far on the other side of a healthy body image that nothing i said would make a dent anyway- plus it was a tantalizing proposition since her surgeons were the swanky secret 'star' plastic surgeons and hey, when would i get an offer like that again? melanie was immediately ushered away and i sat down and started to flip through their 'look books'. hmmm, maybe i would
like a tiny but off my nose and while they were at it, maybe they could use that new ultra frequency wand thing from france to make my neck all silky like naked lamb skin. within minutes i was speaking with 3 surgeons. 'which ever one of you is the least invasive with the most natural results is the person i'd like to talk to.' i said. they all looked at each other as though i had just ordered ketchup to pour over filet mignon. each one glanced at the door of the room that held melanie, then on cue began to give me a head spinning sales pitch about how they would make 'a new me'. 'i don't want a new me' i said. 'of course you do!' they all answered in unison. at that moment, my friend scott breezed through the door and slipped his arm into mine pulling me to my feet and led me out of the room. 'oh darling, you don't need any of this shit! let's go to the car!' when we got to my car, one of the office girls was shoving a vacuum wand into my tail pipe. 'what are you doing?!' i asked. 'i'm trying to get the muskrats out of your exhaust!' she answered as she jammed the wand further up my pipe. the sucking noise was so loud i had to yell, 'i don't have muskrats in my exhaust!' i insisted. 'yes,' she said, 'i know- but i did once, so i just like to always make sure other people don't!'. scott shooed her away and told me to lock my door when i slipped inside my car. i left melanie there and watched scott wave goodbye in my rear-view mirror.